Check Your Box

My job in television production often takes me to the local post office, ours being the Canal Street station.  It goes without saying that the post office, in general, can be a harrowing experience.  The lines, the terrible service, the often-outrageous costs -- it all adds up to what can feel like a torturous number of hours filled with stationary frustration, as an elderly woman trying to mail one envelope can't seem to strike a proper repartee with the clerk behind the barred window, leaving the mile-long line trailing behind her justifiably irritated.

The Canal Street station, however, is particularly trying.  With hanging "digital" artwork that hasn't been changed since the late eighties ("THAT'S what the inside of a computerbox looks like???") and a dank, stuffy interior, one surely doesn't feel welcome upon entering.  Worse, however, is having to wait on an unmoving line as the especially unfriendly staff pays no mind to a line of customers that grows in equal length and impatience no matter what the hour of day.  Not only do they neither notice nor care, but it's almost as if a silent war wages between customer and staff as the rackety old windows are somehow always closed shut the moment you reach the head of the line.

Being that this post office station is located in the heart of Chinatown, the majority of the staff is Chinese.  Without a clear grasp of the English language [or professionalism], the staff is the last source to whom I would have expected the delegation of creating ad copy to be assigned.  But my eyes were not being deceived when I took notice of this sign hanging inside a bulletin board tacked with posters of specialty stamps:

As it may be difficult to read here, I've re-posted the text below, word for word, each grammatical mistake left gloriously untouched:

"WHY BUY STAMPS?

BACK TO SCHOOL?  Let all your friends, know where you are.

WANT ROMANCE?  WRITE A LETTER
Build a little tension and anticipation in your relations.(Anthony & Cleopatra)

WHERE can anyone buy pieces of Art, Learn about history and have portraits of famous people and even cartoon characters!  And send them to folk, just by licking them? 
Post Office!

Finance- get a Post office box!  You can always state "I just did not check my box!"
I will send payment in a stamped envelope!

Secret Clans and Clubs, Masons and The White lotus clan used mail in code to inform their members."

So it's fair to say that whomever wrote this "advertisement" is either a child, illiterate, or a foreigner not likely suited to a job in customer service.  In this case, I would safely bet money on two out of three.

According to said writer, slapping a stamp on a letter may liken your romantic life to a Shakespearean tragedy.  There's also the chance for an original Picasso to be shipped directly to your house, unless the artist from the mall kiosque sends the watercolor of The Lockhorns under one-day delivery.  Additionally, giving more money to the Post Office will apparently allow you extra time to pay off your credit card bill. (Incidentally, does "I just did not check my box" qualify as a valid dispute against a charge?)  Most importantly, however, is knowing that the next time you send out a birthday card to your baby nephew, you can imagine yourself part of an underground clan!

And it reads:

"Some folk might not like it, but the Ten Commandments, could have been Express Mail to Moses!

So, while other companies tell you what they can do and what colors they wear, We at the post office, as you can see have been
Around a very long time.
Now, our Eagle might be missing some feathers, and one or two bumps on the head!
But " We get it done!

UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE"

That's right: The United States Postal Service is not afraid to throw Bible references into the mix, nor are they afraid to wear their red, white, and blues with pride!  Indeed, the eagle (?) might be missing some feathers (??), but...

Actually, there's really nowhere to go with this.  Is the bruised, naked eagle a symbol of how poorly the USPS functions?  Is this an advertisement for or against said establishment?

Sometimes, the words don't need to be sized down by a displeased customer such as myself.  Because, when it comes down to it, if fucking MOSES could have received Express Mail from my post office, why go anywhere else?