June 11, 2007

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Be My 'Gest' Rarely is there a public figure who openly (and perhaps self-knowingly) exhibit such grandiose, odd, eccentric behavior that I find believable or, consequently, genuinely interesting. The focus of reality shows centered on an "outrageous" persona (Anna Nicole Smith, Farrah Fawcett, Flavor Flav) usually passes me by, as the protagonist's obvious need for attention often spoils the whole experience for me, likely because that factor single-handedly proves that our beloved kook is, at the very least, causing a scene for a reason. Today, however, marks a new day. Most Americans only know David Gest as Liza Minnelli's ex-husband (whose claims of having endured physical abuse under the hand of "Lucille Two" make Woody Allen look like The Rock). But, oh, he is so much more. Gest is a Hollywood-born "producer" whose self-obsessed, ego-maniacal and severely delusional behavior helped him find "fans" on England's popular series I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Although Gest placed fourth in the competition, he is - in his own words - now "beloved" by the people of the UK, so much so that he has established a residence there. On This Is David Gest, our fearless hero shows his gratitude to the English public by greeting every single passerby in a faux accent (that pops up only occasion, apparently), his head darting to the side mid-confessional to repeatedly exclaim a cartoonish "'Ello!" as if he's about to dance a jig with his fellow chimney sweeps. Embodying the most humiliating characteristics of the three train wrecks closest to my heart - Liza Minnelli's bawdiness, Nick Nolte's self-importance, and Jackie Stallone's senseless non sequiteur (and, in Gest's cast, infamously complex stories/lies) - Gest makes sure he is the star of the show in spite of the possibility that he's fully aware of the eerily familiar tone reminiscent of Lisa Kudrow's Ultimate Loser, Valerie Cherish, on The Comeback. (Except he's a dick, so we never actually sympathize with him.) I've gone a little YouTube crazy here, but you must bear witness to some of the madness that exists within the world of a man whose undergone so much plastic surgery that he actually went from having Michael Jackson's sloppy seconds back to one so meaty that it almost looks prosthetic. According to best bud Tito Jackson, David used to lay in the sun in hopes of becoming, as David himself puts it, a "Negro." Even when shrugging to a beat, David knows better than all of The Jackson Five how to tear up a dance floor. (Or a blue screen.) "I'm not highfalutin. [The English] found that out when I went into the jungle. It was all a myth." Either Lost is adopting some very weird dialogue or David Gest should write poetry. David has no problem shying away from dirty language, be it as a reference to being poked in his "tushy" or employing a maid named Vaginika Seaman. The joke, however, turns nauseating when he discusses not brushing his teeth after administering cunnilingus in case he's invited back "for seconds" (a clip I couldn't find online, luckily for your lunch.) Finally, if you're "into Albinos," then David's got just the place for you. For more, visit the David Gest YouTube channel. [Footnote: This is not a corpse. It's just David.]
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'Pride' & Prejudice [NSFW-ish!] Every June brings two events that make me very nervous: my birthday and Gay Pride. Last year, I vowed that by my 24th birthday, I'd be doing something I love full-time. While that's only become about half-true (I'm working on it), I'm happy to say that Fast Hugs will enjoy its one-year anniversary in just two months. And after finding relatively quick linkage on Gawker, Defamer, and Best Week Ever (as well as an equal amount of fawning e-mail and notes of seething hatred), I'm looking forward to the future on this crazy place we call The Infranet. Having parlayed my small web presence into other outlets, as well, I imagine that with continued persistance (and continued diatribes about the crazy and excessive), I might one day become the Perez Hilton of self-effacing anecdotes and meditations on Tony Danza. In the meantime, let's find out what really goes on at the grand spectacle that is the Gay Pride Parade and just why I happen to be out of town every time the festivities roll around: Need a babysitter? Speaking of kids, guess who's looking to adopt? I must admit that, at the very least, Pride events allow us to reflect on the gay community's adherance to a lifestyle which eschews the restrictions of a society that tells us how to behave. (Unless, of course, you have a Raz-r. You should really get a Raz-r. Selected models on sale now!) "Brr! Cold for June, huh?" And then there are the religious zealots who just can't help but rain on our parade. Every goddamned year, man. "All I want is to be treated like an ordinary citizen!" You've got to fight for your right ...to foreskin? Is it possible to get AIDS by looking? Dear Maurice Sendak, I know where the wild things are. Love, Me

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