June 04, 2007

Be My 'Gest' Rarely is there a public figure who openly (and perhaps self-knowingly) exhibit such grandiose, odd, eccentric behavior that I find believable or, consequently, genuinely interesting. The focus of reality shows centered on an "outrageous" persona (Anna Nicole Smith, Farrah Fawcett, Flavor Flav) usually passes me by, as the protagonist's obvious need for attention often spoils the whole experience for me, likely because that factor single-handedly proves that our beloved kook is, at the very least, causing a scene for a reason. Today, however, marks a new day. Most Americans only know David Gest as Liza Minnelli's ex-husband (whose claims of having endured physical abuse under the hand of "Lucille Two" make Woody Allen look like The Rock). But, oh, he is so much more. Gest is a Hollywood-born "producer" whose self-obsessed, ego-maniacal and severely delusional behavior helped him find "fans" on England's popular series I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Although Gest placed fourth in the competition, he is - in his own words - now "beloved" by the people of the UK, so much so that he has established a residence there. On This Is David Gest, our fearless hero shows his gratitude to the English public by greeting every single passerby in a faux accent (that pops up only occasion, apparently), his head darting to the side mid-confessional to repeatedly exclaim a cartoonish "'Ello!" as if he's about to dance a jig with his fellow chimney sweeps. Embodying the most humiliating characteristics of the three train wrecks closest to my heart - Liza Minnelli's bawdiness, Nick Nolte's self-importance, and Jackie Stallone's senseless non sequiteur (and, in Gest's cast, infamously complex stories/lies) - Gest makes sure he is the star of the show in spite of the possibility that he's fully aware of the eerily familiar tone reminiscent of Lisa Kudrow's Ultimate Loser, Valerie Cherish, on The Comeback. (Except he's a dick, so we never actually sympathize with him.) I've gone a little YouTube crazy here, but you must bear witness to some of the madness that exists within the world of a man whose undergone so much plastic surgery that he actually went from having Michael Jackson's sloppy seconds back to one so meaty that it almost looks prosthetic. According to best bud Tito Jackson, David used to lay in the sun in hopes of becoming, as David himself puts it, a "Negro." Even when shrugging to a beat, David knows better than all of The Jackson Five how to tear up a dance floor. (Or a blue screen.) "I'm not highfalutin. [The English] found that out when I went into the jungle. It was all a myth." Either Lost is adopting some very weird dialogue or David Gest should write poetry. David has no problem shying away from dirty language, be it as a reference to being poked in his "tushy" or employing a maid named Vaginika Seaman. The joke, however, turns nauseating when he discusses not brushing his teeth after administering cunnilingus in case he's invited back "for seconds" (a clip I couldn't find online, luckily for your lunch.) Finally, if you're "into Albinos," then David's got just the place for you. For more, visit the David Gest YouTube channel. [Footnote: This is not a corpse. It's just David.]

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