Passover's back, y'all, and you know what that means!
Actually, no, you likely have no idea what that means.
Let me take you through a quick run-through of what the holiday is all about, at least according to this here impatient, Reform Jew whose favorite aspect of his own religion is the accent.
As Wikipedia describes, Pesach - also called the Festival of Unleavened Bread - is a Jewish holiday that celebrates the emancipation of the Hebrews from slavery under the rule of King Pharaoh.
Passover - often called 7 Days of Eating Squares of Chalk - is the holiday during which we read from the Hagaddah, the book read from back to front that tells the story of the holiday. In doing so, we eat from the seder plate, on which six items serve to represent a different aspect from the story of the holiday.
Maror, or bitter herbs (horseradish), symbolizes the bitterness and harshness of slavery endured by our people in Egypt. Maror is the Norman Mailer of Jews. Charoset (a mixture of apples, walnuts, cinnamon, and wine) represents the mortar used by the Jewish slaves to build the storehouses. Charoset is the Nate Berkus of Jews. Karpas is celery that is dipped into salt water, representing tears shed by Jews when they could only eat "simple foods." Karpas is the Harvey Fierstein of Jews. Z'roa - a roasted lamb shankbone - represents the lamb sacrificed in the Temple of Jerusalem. Think Elisabeth Hasselbeck (totally not kosher and in need of being sacrificed). The beitzah (an egg) is meant to serve as a symbol of mourning (sorry, even an Anna Nicole jab wouldn't work here).
At some point, the youngest member of the family (or least interested) is made to ask the four questions, which - in my opinion - is, by now, entirely moot. Seriously, God? We get it. Luckily, however, the reading of the Hagaddah seems to get shorter with each passing year as my family's appetite continues to collectively grow. Skip a minor-keyed song here, skim an extra boring passage there, and you're just about ready for Grandma's brisket (although the first prayer over the wine must always be given by one's uncle, the 58-year-old, pony tailed "half trannie" with silk wraps and waxed legs, who continues to live under his mother's roof, sleeping night after night in the same bed in which he slept as a child - there's always one, right?!).
After the meal, the Afikoman (matzo which was hidden somewhere before the start of the Seder) is searched for by the children. Whomever wins gets both a hearty applause from the family as well as a key to the secret bank we Heebs harbor in the center of the Earth's core.
After a dessert of fruit, macaroons, and cake made of matzo meal (or paper bags and cotton balls, as one might conclude based on the consistency), everyone exchanges goodbyes for about 25 minutes. Afterward, your half-trannie uncle will likely ogle your mom's jewelry before prying about your existent social life and showing off his new Mandy Patinkin album.
'Jew' thought you knew, but you had no idea.
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