Senator Carl Kruger has introduced legislation that would ban the use of electronics by users who are crossing city streets. Three people have already been killed in Brooklyn, Kruger purports, claiming that the lack of attention paid to one's surroundings while immersed in iPod usage has become a national "crisis."
Guess what, Senator? There's a source to the epic problem of which you speak, and it's people being retards. But, hey, if you're going to suggest that people are dropping like flies because blasting The Pussycat Dolls is some sort of environmental factor completely out of our control, then you might consider proposing legislation to solve several other citywide problems:
Prohibit crazy born-agains from loud and abrasive preaching on subway cars on Saturdays and Sundays. It's one thing to endure the cuckoo wailings of Jesus' prophet on a tightly-packed F train come Monday at rush hour, but on Saturday afternoon, cut us some slack. Cool it with the noise pollution and bring your crazy talk to a more appropriate venue, like a church pew or Alabama.
Outlaw Uggs. Seriously, our eyes have seen the pitfires of hell, and they come in the form of "the most comfortable shoes everrrrrr!"
All gay male residents of Chelsea over 18 should don mandatory blinders so as to make me less self-conscious on Eighth Avenue between 14th and 23rd Streets.
Permanently move the Max Brenner outposts in Union Square and the East Village to Times Square. Let the obese tourists squint for a Vanessa Minnillo sighting while they wait to indulge in the kind of sinful excess only matched by pre-AIDS bathhouses. Also, install moving sidewalks throughout the neighborhood to keep the out-of-towners shuffling at a pace more appropriate to an environment in which the people walking behind them actually have a fucking destination in mind!
Place full-length mirrors all over Bedford Avenue so as to allow local douchebags to check out their duds whenever and wherever they please.
Employ a meter maid, but instead of ticketing parked cars, see that the appropriate authority tickets strollers in Park Slope left directly in the way of people who don't have babies and just want a bagel.
Reward any Caucasian with a free Single Ride Metrocard after s/he rides the J, M, or Z train and lives to assure others that such lines do, in fact, exist.
Cage the art students who linger outside Cooper Union. Let them eat their cigarettes for substinance.
Scientologists administering "stress tests" in Times Square should be forced to wear robot helmets made from tin foil. Just because.
Enforce math tutors to visit every Chinese restaurant in the city. "3" is not the same thing as "B." Learn it. Live it.
Finally, please do away with the velvet rope outside the Hard Rock Cafe on 57th Street. It's embarassing, already. Seriously.
So I see you're also a racist. Everybody but me
Posted by: Adam | February 15, 2007 at 12:42 PM