December 14, 2006

Now And Then And Forever Rosie In response to what Gawker refers to as "Chingchonggate" (surrounding O'Donnell's contriversial impression of what hyperactive Chinese people apparently sound like at the thought of a drunk Danny DeVito on American morning television), I believe that attention should be paid to the Queen of Nice pre-Koosh, pre-muffdive, pre-Hasselsnatch: Remember this movie? Every girl I grew up with loved Now And Then. A coming-of-age story for girls? Brilliant. A coming-of-age story for girls starring Melanie Griffith and her old lips? Better, even. But is the secret intent of the film's producers not obvious? Hell, if Ro wasn't going to come out, they were going to do it for her, even if she chose not to say a single word. If Mike Ovitz is going to call out a "gay mafia," he might as well point his finger at whomever deemed the visual of Rosie, surrounded by women and adolescents in denim overalls, and call him "The Godfather." Next to the unfortunate haircut that came with Rosie's talk show departure before diving into a She-Man Abyss during her darker, Diesel-dyke days of yore - when threatening that liars face dire consequences was a verbal equivalent of an elbow jab - nothing in Rosie's portfolio screams "pass the tuna" more than the photographer's decision to hide her behind Rita Wilson's shoulder and Christina Ricci's forehead. I can hear it now: "Just poke your head out, Ms. O'Donnell." [Extending her neck] "Polly want a cracker?" "Oh. Okay, you're going to do that." "Polly want a cracker?" "All right, Ms. O'Donnell, if you could just tilt your body slightly...yep, that's it, just at an angle." "What, you don't wanna see me?" "No, no, I'm just working with angles here." "You don't wanna see this?" [Gesturing to her fupa] "America wants Rosie's fupa, just you see!" "That's...excellent, but I'm just going to need you to tilt so we can get the right light on Christina's face." "Watch it, buddy, or I'll write an angsty haiku about you!" "Okey dokey. All right, now if you'd just squat a tiny bit..." "What am I, a dog here? Am I right, Thora? What am I here, like a dog?" [Dead silence] "Aaaaand we've got it! Thanks, everybody!" "Hey, anyone up for some Outback? Rita? No? Demi? Let's put a little meat on them pretty bones, shall we? Christina, Kelli and the kids and I have already got 23 seats reserved. One more booster chair won't hurt! Come on, who's with?" Rosie O'Donnell's Chingchonggate Response: 'I No Solly' [Gawker]
Jews: The Gamblin' Kind Even in New York, December is a time during which we Jews most often feel the sting of the goyim, as they light their trees and play their Crosby. It's no secret, either, that little Jewish boys and girls like myself have for years pined to be included in the festivities. Lucky for me, however, many gentile friends have come through. Nevertheless, there remains that gaping hole of tired forgetfulness on behalf of ...everyone else. "Is it 'Hanukkah' or 'Chanukkah?'" "Did it start already?" "Is it over yet?" "Eight days! Wow, you must get SO many presents!" "So do you celebrate Christmas?" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay..." [Yes, it's a song that people of the Jewish faith sing one month per year!]" I may have contributed to the gruesome death of Jesus, but I sure as hell don't think that punishment should come in the form of being bombarded by retards. I'd much rather be mildly offended by spam mail that touts a banner such as the one below that showed up in my inbox today: Holy Goldfarb! Moishe, Rebecca, and Joshua sure are excited about winning that $10,000! Imagine what one could buy with that kind of cash: a rhinoplasty, a timeshare in Aruba, or a hat tall enough to cover those unsightly horns! Goodbye, Yale Law loans, hello MoMA membership! Xtreme Dreidel is like Online Poker for people with tight curls and Nordstrom credit cards, and how better to avoid the exclusion of Christmas? I can smell the $10,000 already! Actually, my sinuses have kicked in again, so that's pretty much a bust...

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