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April 14, 2008

Your Mama Don't Dance (Unless It's On TV)

Ymdd

Ugh, I need time to watch TV.  I really do.  My heart lies with Battlestar Galactica, Lost, 30 Rock, The Soup and The Office.  Eventually (by which I mean in the next few years), I plan to catch up on Friday Night Lights, The Riches, Mad Men, Damages and The Wire. And there are more shows after that, too.

However, in between catching glimpses of The Dog Whisperer, Degrassi, and Groomer Has It at the gym, I haven't had the chance to discover anything new.

And yet, after seeing a clip of Your Mama Don't Dance on The Soup, I wasn't entirely convinced that the show was not a joke.  Naturally, I DVR'd the remaining season and was horrified/delighted to learn that the show is, in fact, real.  It's a cheesy, low-budget basic cable ripoff of an already cheesy, low-budget big network smash, Dancing With The Stars (and Mama's host, Ian Ziering, comes directly off a stint on Stars, not coincidentally).

I have long worshiped the cultural practice of Mom Dancing.  There really is nothing better than attending a formal event and witnessing hordes of middle-aged women in floral blouses and beige slacks take to the floor to awkwardly shuffle, twist and turn through every volume of Jock Jams.  Heck, it doesn't matter if it's The Bee Gees or The Black Eyed Peas - if there's a rhythmic pattern a Mom can defy with unsynchronized arm gestures and blind confidence, she's on it like white on rice.

My favorite team, Jesse and Rebecca (the former specializing in "street moves," the latter specializing in "watching Jesse").

As if that weren't enough, Mama also includes downright silliness in its Father-Daughter competitors.  Although there are plenty of vaguely sexual interludes, this clip of Noel and Doug is so earnest that its weirdness is almost sweet.  Almost (the faux fauxhawks are a bit much).

While many would argue that The Moment Of Truth has redefined the lowest common denominator in television programming, I think that Your Mama Don't Dance ups the ante.  It's one thing for Steve Gutenberg to flaunt his D-list status by reminding the public that he exists, dancing skills be damned.  But it's something else entirely when ordinary Americans, whose children dream of appearing in the national tour of Mamma Mia, agree to be dragged onto national TV to physically demolish a karaoke version of "Grease Is The Word."

P.S.  How could I not love a show whose role of top judge is filled by the unflappable Ben Vereen (I say "unflappable" because anyone who voluntarily appears on television in a collarless tweed and isn't a Muppet is not someone you want to meet in a dark alley)?  His nods to Bob Fosse and usage of the word "musicality" when describing the clunky footwork of the contestants are brilliant, and if he doesn't get to publicly dust off those white evening gloves from Pippin during the show's finale, I might just be forced to blow up Lifetime HQ.

Check out more videos from Your Mama Don't Dance at Lifetime.

April 11, 2008

Stuff That White People Like, #392

Riding the subway next to a woman whose voice is oddly familiar, until you realize it's the co-host of your favorite NPR show.

(P.S.  Um, she's not Black!  Who knew!?)

March 14, 2008

Viva La Awesome

Anthony Bourdain is looking for a somebody to help plan, produce, and co-host an episode of No Reservations for Travel Channel.

We at the ABNR office have been culling through tons and tons of viewer-submitted videos, and similar themes surface throughout almost all of them: Suburban America is depressing, and most Americans can't be bothered to shoot on anything that isn't a Canovision 8mm.

Here, in all its glory, is the saddest video of all, one that simultaneously incorporates death, guilt, mispronunciation, and a killer hair-do modeled after Vanna White's look at the 1988 Daytime Emmy Awards.

Picture_1

What's Your Trip? [Travel Channel]

March 11, 2008

Eat It, Walters

Melonhead

I interviewed Gallagher.

His publicist sent me that photo to use.

Again, I interviewed Gallagher.

And he's crazybones.

March 03, 2008

Climbing The V Tree

I suffered from food poisoning this weekend.  Not the awful kind where you're diminished to nothing less than an uncapped, 2-way fire hydrant (where "water" is poo and vomit), but it was like a "fake" poisoning where I couldn't produce anything besides cold chills and a really boring Saturday night.

Now that I'm slowly regaining the ability to drink chocolate soy milk again, I've found a website I'm very much able to stomach.

Lemon Mussel Brettsvag_2

Vaginas In Nature via Thighs Wide Shut

February 26, 2008

This Dick Is Bananas

Since Sunday's Academy Awards, you've probably seen the footage of Gary Busey - the human revolving door of washed up, mentally ill D-list reality show contestants - in which he attacks perfectly polite Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney on the red carpet.

The wordsmith then called into Ryan Seacrest's radio show to apologize to the host for having barged in on his interview.  In fact, he called Seacrest an "innocent champion of honesty," which I believe means - upon being translated from Crazyspeak - "not bonkers like me, Gary Busey, the guy with a face made of paper mache and wet marbles."

Although you may have initially felt for Seacrest, Garner, or Linney, it seems there was another victim of Busey's genuinely frightening antics (seriously, if the guy wasn't riding high on a Klonopin-and-speed-infused cocktail, he should be jailed with a camera in his cell and told he's being filmed for a TBS reality show called "Busey Busts Out"). 

At the United Nation Children's Foundation after-party (so he was invited to the ceremony and a party?  for CHILDREN?), an eleven-year-old reporter named Grace asked Busey to share some wisdom regarding the plague of young, fucked up starlets.

So he's not only out of his mind, but he's a dick?  To KIDS?

Clearly, somebody could use a little one-on-one with Dr. Drew.

February 22, 2008

Let's Face It...

When you look like a cosmetically enhanced, middle aged trannie, you're bound to be confused with cosmetically enhanced middle aged trannies.

Vivicasymone

[Via Stereohyped]

Ingredients Required For The Most Disgusting Thing To Ever Happen

  • European dance music
  • Babies
  • Babies with hair gel
  • The name "Jordy"
  • Someone named "Jordy" being a signed artist under Sony Records
  • Sports bras
  • Sexual innuendo via play wrestling
  • Adults in diapers
  • Nonchalant interracial coupling
  • Silly child abuse (:22 in)

February 21, 2008

Snacks Are Good, Says Mo'Nique

Monique2

Until now, there has been one fat black lady in my life, and that is Nell Carter (she of the legendary burnt-clit fable).

But thank to one mere podcast, the winds of change have blown through and enlightened me to the broad charm employed by Miss Parker herself, Mo'Nique (sorry, Telma Hopkins!).

On a recent episode of PRI's Fair Game, Mo spoke with lovely hostess Faith Salie, which was like Mr. T going tête à tête with Tinkerbell.  But despite Faith's repeated requests to befriend Mo'Nique (which smelled a little like Caucasian Guilt, if you ask me), the two got along smashingly, and provided one of the most colorful interviews I've ever heard.

Here's my choice selection.

In discussing her message of female empowerment among fat women (a refreshingly truthful departure from the saccharine, nonsensical post-feminist bullshit commonly spewed by skanky pop tarts), Mo'Nique calls on the righteousness of carrying "a Snicker in your pocketbook."

Faith, the silly white girl that she is, poses the question to Mo'Nique as to whether or not she would share her candy with a friend.  Even with her "stylist and best friend" Rhonda seated next to her during the interview, Mo'Nique takes a moment to truly digest the question before replying, "My SNICKA!?"  In a polite yet passionate rebuttal, Mo (continuing to refer to her Snickers in the singular, to my utter delight) claims that she needs it to "satisfy" her, and that if she were, indeed, asked for a bite, she could only respond with "a little violence in [her] eye."

So consider yourself warned:  nothing comes between Mo'Nique and her Snicka. 

But I'd still offer her a piece of mine, even if she did eat the whole thing.

Fair Game [PRI] [MP3 Download]

UPDATE:  What...the...fuck?

[Thanks, Bri!]

February 20, 2008

Super Breath

How do you get Tony Danza and Sean Connery to do a web series?

A great script, naturally.


Via BuzzFeed